“through the act of living, the discovery of oneself is made concurrently with the discovery of the world around us. . ."

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Angst of Existence

How do I describe myself?

Is it my biodata, my curriculum vitae

Or the sum of the scraps

These verses and stories I write about myself?

Do you, reader, see me in lines like these?

The corpus of my writings

Friend, do you, in this corpus before you?

I ask you, woman of my life

This man, who shared your bed and love

Pray, tell me who I am.

I am looking askance at my son

My dogs, my fish, birds of the air

Tell me what I am, lay me at rest.

Am I just a grain of sand

Born of nothing


Destined for nothing?

As I turn my back

To you, to the world

What would you say who I were –

Would you just shrug and smirk?

It is not what you think I am

That bothers me

But not knowing who I am

Not knowing my place, if at all

I have any, not knowing if I exist?

While you collect your thoughts

Allow me to sit here

Collecting, picking, sniffing at words.

********* Balachandran V, Trivandrum 31.10.2009


  1. There is not a single man or woman to whom this thought has never occured to. Yes , i have also spent many hours wondering on this question and read and read and read books which i thought would give me some clarity.

    Some tell me the search is meaningless , they tell me there is no search..when one drops all search and learns to just "be"...one awakenens.

    Some talk of detachment , some others talk of introspection..i could go on..

    I am still a traveller.

  2. Rini,

    Introspection is a journey; not a destination. Maybe it is pointless, but the fragments, the glitter of the shattered selves that we glimpse once in a while is all that matters. Maybe there are people - yogis, philosophers,ordinary people who have learnt the answers. But the fun is in the quest. What life would it be, if there are no more mountains to be climbed? Yet there have been moments of revelation - then the fading memory of that revelation, until once again dawn breaks in your mind...

    Thank you, fellow traveler, for the comment.

    PS: There are some nice songs in the blog. Listen to it.

  3. I had this phase when I kept at this thought till there was nothing left, till it everything else obscured under this question of who am I? but now, i dont anymore, just believe that there is aplan somewhere and so I am. Its put my mind to peace, and helped me live the moment

  4. How we would like to believe there is a plan, Sujata! Shall we look at the scenario of NO-PLAN? Where would that leave us? We have only one life; so let us rage, rage against the dying light. Let us question everything, not seeking answers, but insights, like the light from the street lamps rushing past...

  5. Ah!.. may be a few years later I would have written the same peom Balaji.. :-) or I should say I have written it but the words are different. The quest is on and unlike Sujata I've never felt my mind to be at peace. However, like Gymnast i've been reading and reading lots of books and philosophers to find out the same answers...
    Count me as well as a fellow traveller :-)

  6. happens.i have spent time too,on the same topic.wondering..wondering and still wondering..


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