“through the act of living, the discovery of oneself is made concurrently with the discovery of the world around us. . ."

Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Heavy, Empty Heart

New Year Eve evening. Like the last few New Year eves, this one too, I shall spend with my family. And I will fondly recollect the many New Year eves of my youth. The many drunken orgies, standing atop hills in forests shrouded in mist, walking alone in the Himalayas, sitting at the Wellington Island Embarkation Jetty with a friend.

I had half-heartedly tried to pick a friend today for an evening drink together. I don’t frequent this habit; when I do, I drink only with close friends or such company I am totally at ease with. There aren’t many friends left here; those left are occupied otherwise. So be it.

But today’s news left me even more brooding about the coming new year. A young, pretty girl of 21 died near University College in a freak accident. I gazed at her face for a long time. Twenty one! Then, there was news in the morning about the blaze at Karunagappalli when a gas tanker and car collided and killed a few. Many of the casualties were brought to the Medical College Hospital (very close to where I work). Don’t know how many more might die.

I am not depressed; but these tragedies leave me listless and disturbed. I cannot, I really cannot celebrate New Year. I guess I will sit quietly in my room, listen to some old Hindi songs and read a book. It is not any guilt or sorrow that makes me feel like this. It is just this heavy emptiness that bogs me down.

I won’t write a poem. I won’t. But let me wish you, my friends, the very proof of my existence, a Happy New Year.

************* Balachandran, Trivandrum, 31.12.2009


  1. Happy New Year, Balan! You could have called me. I was at Press Club rooftop. Three drinks, home skirting breath analysers with Soman at 10, on rooftop at home moon viewing till the crackers had all fallen silent, down in the hall, switches on, and a perusal of the morning editorial to fall asleep. I have worked out this nice system to stay happy the year ahead, too.

  2. Balanji I feel the way you welcomed the new year was nice. Even felt like doing the same....! Happy new year!

  3. What dey?
    One has to carry on -listen to Louis Armstrong and melt away the surroundings

  4. i just returned to net after a long time.....a new year filled with disturbances.....!!! its true i too ws disturbed but dat ws just 'coz of my prblems......so nw i learned frm u just to be disturbed for other....thanks....n wish u da same....!!! luv thomman.

  5. Good to greet you meet you and read you, in this blog

  6. true but what cud we have done? may be its us tomorrow or even today.who knows? there are too many things if too bog us down.too many

  7. Balan, this is a fantastic piece of heart and soul. A sorrowful time of mourning for so many tragedies.. Life is not always fair it seems. The mountains are still beautiful, birds still sing, and the breeze forever brings us a gentle reminder that we must continue to move in whatever direction we are taken....

    Greetings from my heart to yours..


  8. I responded to your note on my blog site. Please check it out...

  9. Dear Balan,
    Good Morning!
    I came here because of your name.you own my Achan's name.I always love dear ones calling Achan Balettan/Balan.:)
    Wishing you A Wonderful New Year filled with Happiness,Cheer and Happiness.
    We do feel low and depressed looking the tragedies occur daily.but a strong person who is lucky to breathe teh fresh and cool air of Himalayas should cheer up others.you can brighten up someone else's day.it makes a big differences in our short lives.
    so,leave all the baggage behind and move on.........you can always reach out to a new friend or catch up with an old one.........
    Wishing you a relaxing weekend,

  10. A happy new year to you Balan. life is more often than not depressing, I agree, but to take heart in depression is living I guess! To be able to cry our saddest tears and laugh at our silliest follies is what makes us live on..Heres wishing you once again a great year ahead.


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